The Steps To Finding Out You’re Pregnant

Step 1: Realize you’ve missed your period…except you’re not really sure because you’re so all over the place anyways and let’s be honest who really religiously tracks that closely. It’s really just Russian Roulette: you pray it doesn’t happen out in public.

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Step 2: Go to the store to buy a pregnancy test. Try to blend in but feel super jittery and paranoid that everyone is judging you despite the fact that you’re married, 24 and totally okay with having a baby right now.

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Step 3: Add other  items to your shopping basket to make it look like this is just a normal item on your shopping list. You’re buying floss! You’re responsible! You’re an adult!

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Step 4: Work your way up to the check out. Definitely use the Self-Scan.

Step 5: When the “need assist goes off” because for some reason Pregnancy tests have anti theft tags try to act as nonchalant as possible. When the attendant seems unfazed by your pregnancy test realize maybe this isn’t such an awkward thing and relax a little.

Step 6: Try not to run all the red lights on your way home.

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Step 7: When you get home take the pregnancy test from the bag and read the directions, because you can’t believe it’s really just as easy as peeing on a stick. This test can change the course of your life and it only requires you to pee on a stick, yeah right!

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Step 8: Pee on stick.

Step 9: Keep cool, calm and collected while you wait for the longest three minutes of your life to go by.

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Step 10: Pick up stick…what the heck is this?? Is this positive? Maybe? It’s so light! Maybe it’s a negative? You can’t tell!

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Step 11: Chug water and wait anxiously until you can pee on a stick again.

Step 12: Repeat Steps 7 & 8.

Step 13: ARGH, Realize you still can’t tell! Interpreting a pee stick is harder than the poem section of the ACT!

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Step 14: Go back to grocery and repeat steps 1-5 this time buying a digital test.

Step 15: Repeat steps 7 & 8

Step 16: Read test…. Heart starts pounding… PREGNANT…oh my…

Step 17: Throw fists up in the air and do a dweeby dance because you are freaking pregnant!

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Step 18: Check test again to make sure results haven’t magically disappeared…still pregnant!

Step 19: Let it sink in that you’re about to grow a little human inside you.

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Step 20: Let it sink in that you’re going to have to push that little human out of a much smaller exit.

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Step 21: Let it sink in that despite the fact you still feel like a child, you’re about to raise one. Holy Crap, you’re freaking pregnant!

Step 22: Know what it feels like to be Kristen Bell when she finally saw that sloth!

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The 7 People You Have On Your Business Team

The Bearded Millennial*

This guy can spotted by the obvious- his beard.

Attire:  Flannel (despite never actually doing a day of hard labor** – unless you count those calloused hands from playing Call of Duty until 3am and mercilessly trying to learn to play guitar to the distress of his house mates) and slim straight dress slacks.

He usually brews his own beer and often refers to how much college debt he has from his state college where he attended business school.

He probably voted for Trump.

*There are 2 very different types of millennial men. Millennial men with beards and millennial men without. This is discussion for another post.

**My father would like it noted that guys with beards are usually hard workers. Beard growing takes a lot of determination…or did he say brewing… it was loud at the Chinese Restaurant.

First Generation to go to College

He’s your good ole boy. Generally identifiable by a southern twang. Not to be confused with a southern drawl – that’s Ivy League shit. They’re too busy on their post grad year abroad to be on your team.

Attire: Flannel (this time unironically. He grew up either on his parent’s farm or helping on a neighbor’s and actually needed a thick flannel shirt) and relaxed khakis.

He’s eager to learn and isn’t afraid to ask loads of questions. Heck, that’s how they made it here in the first place.

Americanized “Foreigner”

Sure you can’t pronounce his name, but he’s the most American guy on the team.

Attire: Button down and slim fit dress slacks.

His parents came to America to achieve the American Dream. He’s a great asset to your team not only because of his killer intelligence from growing up with strict parents but he keeps your team current on the latest music, shows and technology.

 

Chris with a K

Douche.

The “I’ve Been Doing This Since Before You Were Born” Men.

You guessed it these guys are in the 50-60 age range.  With kids the same age as their newest team members.

Attire: Dress shirts and khakis. They even remember the days of suits being mandatory.

Identifiable by being the only people on the team that actually know what’s going on but aren’t looking for any promotions.

Mr. Stuck In The 90s

He hit his peak in 1999.

Attire: Button down and wide leg dress slacks. Oh and of course he’s rocking the spiked frosted tips.

If you miss the 90’s hair you’ll recognize this man when he continually references bands like No Doubt and The Smashing Pumpkins. He always using words like Dope, Bangin’ and Bounce.

The Token Girl

Because I didn’t want feminists asking why there were no girls on the team.

Dieting: As Told By Ron Swanson

di·et

ˈdīət/

verb

gerund or present participle: dieting

  1. restrict oneself to small amounts or special kinds of food in order to lose weight.

    “it’s difficult to diet”

    Well yes Google, dieting is difficult. I personally follow the 1/4 rule. Veggies, fruit, chicken, fish and healthy smoothies the first week of the month. Candy, carbs and other terribly delicious greasy food the remaining three weeks when my diet fails.

    The process goes a little something like this:

 

It’s time. This is it. This time I’m going to get healthy and stay healthy.
This diet thing is going to be easy. I’m motivated. I’m all in.
Pinterest has so many healthy recipes. They look so good!
Only 20 obscure and expensive ingredients…
I am so hungry. Need carbs now!

 

I am so sick of these fruits and vegetables! 

 

Seriously I cannot eat anymore of this “healthy” food.

 

I’m feeling lonely, sad, mad, stressed or bored. I deserve my favorite meal! It’ll make me feel so happy!

 

Oh man…food! I need it all!

Diet officially ruined 

 

Two hours later…
There’s always next month I guess…

 

 

 

How I Know My Fiancé Drove My Car

I have a thing for shoes and overly dramatic tv shows on ABC Family (FreeForm Boycott).

 
My fiancé, however, has a thing for flannel and cars.

 I love my 2010 Mazada 3. She’s a gray hatchback with a sunroof. I’m in love. On a sunny day you’ll see me aviators on, sunroof open -music blaring on 26. 

Occasionally I let my fiancé drive her, it’s not a big deal until I get in and everything is different.

This is how I know my fiancé drove my car:

  My parking break is on. Now I have to spend the next five min using my muscles to get it off.

  Boy turned my air off!
  Unlike my other half I enjoy my ears being blown off at 7.30am when I get in my car.
  
This mirror brings a new meaning to “blind spot”.

And lastly…

The main reason I know my 6 ft something fiancé drove my car:  
Yeah. 🤔

Thoughts We Had While Looking For Our First House

Let’s go look at some houses. We watch HGTV we know how this works.

Love this house! It’s perfect for us!

Ew…that price is not good…

Time to lower our expectations

We really only need a few core things as long as it’s an open concept.

But we need to be able to resell it later…

What if we buy a house and can’t get rid of it later?!

I don’t want to be stuck with some terrible house forever!

It needs to be something we can live with if we have to.

Seriously though, we’re too young to afford all this!

Maybe we should just get an apartment…

No, we can do this! We just need a fixer upper in a good neighborhood.

It’s like Chip and Joanna always say “You want the worst house in the best neighborhood”

 

Why can’t we live in Texas so we can be on their show?

They’re just so cute together. I hope my fiance and I are that cute when we’re married with a bunch of kids.

Seriously though, I want their house.

Okay back to searching

No…only one bath

Really? No garage?

Cute! But I’ll get mugged in that neighborhood.

Cute! But the back yard is a train track.

Are you actually trying to sell us a house with the foundation caving in?

 

Cute! It’s pending.

Pending…

Seriously if it’s pending just take it down! I don’t want to even know it was out there if we can’t have it!

 

I’m tired of looking. This isn’t fun anymore. On HGTV they find and fix a house in like two months!

 

Finally found a good house! I have a good feeling about this.

 

They won’t budge on the price? They can’t seriously think their house in worth that much.

No

No

Pending

No

Why are normal houses so expensive! We just want something that isn’t broken, caving in, in a bad part of town and has a place to park the cars!

Found one!

It’s perfect!

They accepted our offer!

We’re getting a house!

Oh my god we’re getting a house!

Holy Shit, we’re buying a house, STOP SPENDING MONEY!

Time for the inspection…

Please tell us our house is perfect…we can’t go through this again.

Coming next time…(unless I change my mind) Thoughts When Having Your First Home Inspection Done

Aka “What does any of this mean and how much will it cost me?”

Dear Siblings: 6 Little Reasons Why I Love When You Come Home for the Holidays

Dear Siblings,

It’s that time of year! The Louisville kid is finished with her exams and heading home for the holidays. The DC professional is hopping on a plane back to Kentucky. Mom is dancing around the house and sending excited texts. We’re all going to be together for Christmas. These are just 6 little reasons I love when you come home…

  1. Mom stocks up on food. If we’re lucky enough to go with her to the grocery she’ll basically buy whatever we want. She even takes text requests!

  2. Sibling cuddle time happens at least once every holiday. Everyone can use a little cuddle time.

  3.  Our childhood traditions get more ridiculous with age. And if our parents try to make me celebrate them without you I will cry.Christmas

  4. Family outings become much more intense. It’s no longer just dinner. It’s drinks, dinner, coffee etc. 

  5. Going to Christmas Mass is much better with you by my side. We’ve all got our favorite jam and you know there’s someone to wake you up if you start nodding off.

  6. BUT most of all I just cant wait to see two of my favorite people!

So you two better hurry on home!! I’m waiting!!

(Well actually I’ll be at work until six, but I’ll rush back home knowing you’re there!)

Love,

The Middle Child

Boy & Girl: Halloween

Three Months Before…

Girl: Halloween is in three months we need to start thinking of our costume.

Boy: It’s in three months you’ll change your mind about 12 times before Halloween.

Girl: Not if I think of the perfect costume!

Boy: Sure…

Two Months before…

Girl: I changed my mind we already did lumberjacks four years ago, it’s lame to repeat it. Plus, it’s not even a costume for you.

Boy: Exactly…that’s why I like it.

Girl: No, we need something better. What do you want to be other than a lumberjack?

Boy: I don’t care…

Girl: You’re not helping! I want something we both like.

Boy: I seriously don’t care. I hate dressing up.

Girl: It’s Halloween we have to. It’s fine, I’ll think of something…

Boy: Okay babe…

One Month before…

Girl: Okay I changed my mind again I don’t want to be Army people. That’s not unique enough we need something better. Any ideas?

Boy: No, I seriously don’t care what we are. Just pick something…

Four weeks before…

Girl: Oh my gosh! Forget being Indians! I came up with a way better idea! You be Charlie Brown and I’ll be the Great Pumpkin!

Boy: If that’s what you want to do…

Girl: What do you think? Are you okay with that?

Boy: I don’t care what we are, just let me know.

Week of Halloween (after entire costume pieces are purchased)

Girl: So I changed my mind…

Boy: Yeah?

Girl: Yes! Let’s be contestants on the Price is Right, it’s way more witty!

Boy: If that’s what you want…

Girl: Well we already bought the other stuff..ugh..what do you think? What do you want to do? Pick one!

Boy: Babe…I really don’t care…

Day of Halloween

Girl: This is a disaster! All my costumes are horrible! That’s it! We aren’t dressing up!

Boy: Thank God…

Girl: No, it’s Halloween we have to! Let’s just be lumberjacks!